WORKWORK22: How Blame Makes Us Feel Good But Small // Milton Glaser’s 10 Learnings
Inner Work
The Flip Side of Feelings
I’m in the process of reading the book, ‘Letting Go’ by Dr. David Hawkins. The premise of the book is surrendering negative feelings. We talk a lot about evaluating our individual thoughts in Inner Work, but something that ‘Letting Go’ does well is to help pull you out of the weeds of thoughts and focus on the larger groupings of thoughts that make up a full feeling.
He helps simplify the spectrum of feelings and highlights why positive feelings are more useful in bringing love, peace, and happiness to your life. One thing I really respect is his ability to acknowledge the other side of the coin. It’s very easy for us to see the benefit of positive emotions, but we don’t often acknowledge the things we enjoy about negative emotions—the reasons we hang onto them. When we start to acknowledge 1) that we are feeling a negative feeling, 2) the benefits we are receiving from holding onto that feeling, and 3) the idea that we are, in fact, choosing to hold onto it—we start to recognize that we have power at that moment. That subtle shift helps us look at another double-sided coin: not only are we working to release the benefits we are gaining from that negative feeling by way of letting it go, but we are also combatting that lingering resistance we have towards the opposite positive feeling. (I promise if this last paragraph was confusing, it will benefit you to read it again.)
The way out of negativity is, therefore, the willingness to acknowledge and let go of negative feelings and, at the same time, the willingness to let go of resisting their positive opposite. — Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins
Isn’t it funny how we train our brains to resist our higher potential? That’s because it’s much easier to live in a realm that is familiar. If we haven’t done the work to understand and grasp these nuances of our minds and feelings, we are continuing to train ourselves to be comfortable in a world where we are smaller versions of ourselves. Today we are going to dive into the experience of blame. We take a look at the benefits of blame but more importantly, we look at how blame stands in the way of reaching a bigger, higher version of ourselves.
Blame is the World’s Greatest Excuse
There are a lot of payoffs to blame. We get to be innocent, we get to enjoy self-pity, we get to be the martyr and the victim, and we get to be the recipients of sympathy. — Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins
I get it. Look at all of the wonderful reasons to blame others. We don’t have to feel guilty about something! Are you kidding?! Why wouldn’t I want to blame others? It gives me an out, free from guilt, and people get to feel bad for my situation. When you take a look at blame like this, it’s easy to see the secret satisfaction we get from self-pity and resentment.
But there is a cost to these payoffs. We take on the energy associated with being small and limited. In this state, we are viewing ourselves as weak, vulnerable, and helpless. And with that view, we lose our freedom and the potential of our higher self. We perpetuate our resistance to taking on bigger and unlimited energy connected to positive emotions.
This reminds me of a time when I was trying to help my good friend (for the purposes of privacy, I’ll call her Amy) get out of blame. Amy was feeling angry at her best friend for abandoning their friendship. She wanted her best friend to apologize and feel guilty for weakening their friendship. I did my best to try to help Amy see her participation in the current result of their friendship, but she wasn’t having it. It was all her best friend’s fault. Looking back on this moment, it’s clear that Amy wanted to remain small and feared the idea of stepping into her greater power. The part that I tried to make clear is that Amy was choosing blame. In that choice, she was also giving all of the energy and authority to her friend! Her friend had all the power to create the reality of their friendship, not Amy. And just the acknowledgment of that choice and realization was eye-opening. Eventually, Amy came to terms with the state of their friendship, but I think she is still working on reaching higher emotional states connected to it. And that’s ok, sometimes it takes many cycles of Inner Work on a specific situation to get past it.
As we stop giving authority and energy to all of the negative programs that stem from our own thinking, we stop giving away our power to others and begin to own it back again. This results in a rise of self-esteem, the return of creativity, and the openings of a positive vision of the future that replaces fearfulness. — Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins
Stepping into our Higher Power
Over the weekend, I went to a karate competition with Nick (don’t ask). Surprisingly, this is where I witnessed what it looks like to have practiced surrender of blame at its optimal level. Let me explain.
There were multiple matches where one fighter was performing illegal moves on his opponent. It wasn’t just one time, though. Sometimes the fighter repeatedly performed the illegal move to the point where the ref had to pull him aside and communicate that if he did it again, he would be disqualified from the match. The recipient of the illegal moves was completely unfazed.
I was SHOCKED, partially because I was experiencing frustration and blame within myself! How could he not be pissed at this other guy for being unfair? It also made me think about how many times athletes express blame in a game when they think someone has broken the rules. The vision of a basketball player, arms spread wide, mouth open, eyebrows furled in utter disbelief gawking at a ref comes to mind.
Instead, within split seconds, these karate kids (technically they were adults but I had to) were surrendering to their feelings and choosing a higher version of themselves. They knew that blaming their opponent made them smaller and weaker, leaving them with less power to compete for the rest of the match. Witnessing this was so cool to me that I nerd-ed out and searched if there is anything connected to the art of karate that supports this idea. Wikipedia told me some interesting stuff:
He interpreted the "kara" of Karate-dō to mean "to purge oneself of selfish and evil thoughts ... for only with a clear mind and conscience can the practitioner understand the knowledge which he receives." Funakoshi believed that one should be "inwardly humble and outwardly gentle." Only by behaving humbly can one be open to Karate's many lessons. This is done by listening and being receptive to criticism. He considered courtesy of prime importance. — Wikipedia
Imagine if we could instantly recognize the value of leaning into our higher feelings when we face any challenge in our life. That thought blows my mind :) I encourage you, the next time you are feeling blame or anger towards someone, to remind yourself that you are choosing to be small and limited at that moment. When you recognize that choice, you have the option to surrender that feeling and choose a bigger version of yourself.
Our higher self, which we might say is the composite of our higher feelings, has almost unlimited capabilities. — Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins
Outer Work
I really enjoy designing and improving my space at home, so I often go down the interior design rabbit hole on Instagram (that and ASMR but that’s for another time haha). Mid-rabbit hole, I was reminded of the incredible talk, 10 Things I Have Learned, that Milton Glaser shared.
Milton Glaser is a highly respected and award-winning graphic designer, best known for his iconic “I ♥ NY” logo. I discovered and read his speech during an internship in college but it’s one of those things that takes on different meanings at different stages of your life. It’s a piece that applies to much more than just design and creativity. I highly recommend reading the full speech, but below are some key highlights and my added perspective.
Learning #1 and #3
#1 YOU CAN ONLY WORK FOR PEOPLE THAT YOU LIKE.
#3 SOME PEOPLE ARE TOXIC AVOID THEM.
Go through the analysis of whether people you spend your precious time with, give you energy, or take it away. It’s not just important with your friends and partner but, more so, the people that you work with. You spend a vast majority of your time with your colleagues. Remember that you have a choice, whether you are evaluating job opportunities, considering leaving a position, or building a team around your own idea. Choose to work with the people that give you energy.
Learning #4 and #8
#4 PROFESSIONALISM IS NOT ENOUGH or THE GOOD IS THE ENEMY OF THE GREAT.
#8 DOUBT IS BETTER THAN CERTAINTY.
The combo of these reminded me a lot of Future Commerce’s piece The Cult of Best Practices. The benefit of doing something efficiently (implementing learnings that save time, resources, and effort) and doing something risky (that could lead to something great or teach you something valuable) is a very fine line. A couple of things that I think are worth doing are 1) Asking yourself why you need something, or why you are doing something, and 2) Not allowing the uncertainty of a big idea to deter you from the process of adventure.
Learning #7
#7 HOW YOU LIVE CHANGES YOUR BRAIN.
Shameless plug for the importance of WORKWORK here. Implementing the habits and patterns of Inner Work and Outer Work can, without a doubt, change your brain (and life).