WORKWORK26: 30 Days of No Gossip + No Complaining // MVPs of the Unexpected
The results of a 30-day challenge and how I'm thinking about MVPs beyond tech.
Inner Work: 30 Days of No Gossip + No Complaining
A couple of weeks ago, I decided to challenge myself to refrain from gossiping and complaining. I made a conscious effort to not talk about anyone unless it was through a lens of love. I had listened to a podcast where Desiree Pais was the guest; she discussed beauty and how it's more attractive if you don't gossip or complain. This sparked an idea: what if I did a 30-day challenge with myself to avoid gossiping and complaining? While the purpose of the challenge was not necessarily to make myself more physically attractive, it was certainly about attracting positive energy. So, I took inventory of how difficult I thought this challenge could be by identifying my baseline relationship with gossip and complaining.
I'm someone who doesn't find much joy in gossip at all. In fact, it's probably a big part of my inactivity in group text messages with old friends. We grow up learning to survive in the hallways of middle school and high school based on knowing information about other people. I'd argue that it's a core component of forming our social skills. But as I got older, I started to acknowledge that I really didn't enjoy it at all. So much so, that I think my lack of desire to gossip and involve myself with "politic-ing" at my larger company jobs probably hurt my career advancement more than helped it. So I figured, as it relates to gossip, how hard could it be?!
With complaining, I too felt that it was something that was not core to my interactions. I would say my default is much more positive than negative. I enjoy the process of working through challenges and I genuinely believe that how I view things is what makes up my reality. Complaining should be no biggie.
A few days in, I started paying very close attention to these two things. I documented any complaints and moments of gossip in my journal. It was eye-opening and took up more of my attention than I anticipated. In other words, I did these two things more often than I thought. Now, I'm not being hard on myself. In fact, I decided to stop the challenge because I was starting to put too many rules in place. However, it brought to life a few concepts that I will carry with me and continue to practice:
The people I complain to most are my partner and my colleagues. It makes sense— I engage with them the most and I am also most comfortable around them. But they don’t deserve that energy from me.
Complaining is a form of placing blame on someone or something else. I really enjoyed recalling the learnings from WORKWORK22 and the idea that blame only weakens our ability to navigate the world. It serves no benefit to us in our pursuit of reaching our higher selves. Full stop.
We learn about the power of our words in the Four Agreements. In the same book, we learn that every individual exists in their own world. When we speak negatively about a situation or person, it carries great responsibility and power with it. Through this exercise I found myself remembering that every time I complain about something to someone else, they are solely receiving that piece of information. They are not experiencing all the nuance of my experience because they are too busy living in their own world. They only hear the complaint and that is what they take with them. Now, I find myself questioning whether what I say is what I really mean. Is it how I actually feel about something? Do I want that person to have these words as the takeaway? Is there a different sentiment that I’d rather leave them with? Something else that embodies the fuller picture of my relationship with that person or situation?
As it relates to gossip, a friend introduced me to the Jewish concept, lashon hara, which translates to evil tongue. Lashon hara is taken very seriously and considered a big sin. By definition: “It is speech that damages the person(s) that are talked about either emotionally or financially or lowers them in the estimation of others.” In fact, my friend told me they are incentivized not to participate in lashon hara by the idea that the person doing it will receive all of the bad things from the person spoken of and the person spoken of will take on all the good of the person speaking. I think about this energy exchange now when I am tempted to gossip or hear gossip from others.
Last but not least, gossip is only speaking aloud our own insecurities. It's a reflection of our own weaknesses, which does us no good. It's important to change this pattern, not only for the other person but also for ourselves. That’s where the concept of alchemy has come in. I decided to create new energy when I spoke or thought something negative about someone else. I would form a new pattern, a new thought, and focus on love over fear by praying for that person. I pray they receive the exact opposite of the negative thing I thought of them.
When I initially shared with others that I was engaging in this challenge, I had about 15 other people who decided to join me. If you decided to participate in the challenge, even just for a few days, I’d love to hear about what you noticed. I’ll leave you with a little story I found in the Startupy newsletter:
Outer Work: MVPs of the Unexpected
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of MVPs (minimum viable products) and how they translate into areas of life that you might not expect. This is widely practiced in the tech and start-up world—how can I build a product with baseline features to be usable by customers so they can provide the feedback necessary for future products? The results are faster shipping, quicker iterations, and momentum within the product development process.
While I could go on, I’m not here to teach you about MVPs. :) I am letting this concept seep into other areas of my life and taking note of it when I see it occur in others. I’m asking myself, how do I strip something down into its most basic form? Personally, I’m seeing myself practicing this with:
New habits I want to form:
What is the simplest, easiest form of that habit?
Thoughts or ideas I want to develop further:
What is the core of this idea so I can communicate it to others and get input/feedback?
Documentation work (i.e., a strategy document, a brief, or a process for others to use):
Do I need all of these sections?
What are the utmost important points to include?
Writing:
Do I need these extra words in this sentence?
Difficult conversations:
What do I think the root of this conflict is for both sides?
While those are just a few areas I’m focusing on, I also want to acknowledge that this is not a perfect practice or concept. In tech, for example, you have to account for the stage of your product and whether you (or the market) have trained your customer to expect a certain experience. In creative work, you have to allow yourself to be taken over by the muses and create the space and time necessary to produce what feels right. Sometimes feedback isn’t useful and once something is out in the world, your job is considered done.
But if there is anything in your life that you are having trouble starting or needs a boost of momentum, think through the lens of an MVP. It will make the first steps feel less daunting, it will take up less of your time and it will, without a doubt, create the momentum necessary to evolve.